matty
10-03-2005, 11:27 PM
I got a new neighbor today. For those of you unfamiliar with the history of my apartment, let me tell you why this is important.
Slammy lived in this apartment before I. When he first moved in, he lived next to a real weirdo. I never actually saw the weirdo or had any personal experiences with him, but Slammy sure did. I'll leave it to him to explain. (Don't forget about the crazy sign he hung on his door--I can't remember what it said.)
When the first weirdo moved out, the second weirdo moved in. This bitch was a piece of work. She was middle-aged (or at least looked it) and very fat, which I don't say as a bad thing, just being descriptive. She had curly, short hair, and her eyes bugged out a little. I would describe her eyes as "goggling." The first time I met her was when she came knocking on Slammy's door and asked to buy one bowl's worth of weed for five dollars. Slam turned her down.
It was basically a downward spiral from there. She would come calling at random times, usually very late at night, and always looking for drugs or booze. She worked at the trashy gas station down the street. She was dating--hand to god--Shaq. He had to duck to walk through her apartment's seven foot tall doorway. Eventually, Slam told her not to come over anymore. She was saddened, and disappeared for a couple of weeks, and then she was back to her old ways.
One day, Slam, JVO and I were sitting around watching Survivor, which we take very seriously, and she knocked on the door. While Slam was trying to deter her from coming in, she saw that Survivor was on tv, and she barged into the room, screaming about how much she loved Survivor. After blathering loudly through most of the episode, Slam finally had to kick her out. He told her he never asked her to come over but she just kept intruding, and that he would like her to not come over any more. I remember him saying "You just don't get it" over and over. She gathered up her dignity, said, "Well. I understand." And then she left, holding her head high and offering very sarcastic apologies to us all. Then one day she disappeared for good, her dank one-room apartment emptied.
It was filled later by a man I will call The Hobbit. At first, the Hobbit seemed cool. He was always partying until late at night and listening to reasonably good music. Slam moved out of his apartment and I moved in. That was when we found out that the Hobbit didn't just like drinking, he was in fact an alcoholic. He told me this as we passed each other on the stairway, which in retrospect seems as good a place as any to tell someone you're an alcoholic.
One day my friend Denny, my boyfriend Aaron, and myself were sitting around on horror movie night when there was a knock at the back door, which we didn't hear for a long time, and then after we heard it, we had to figure out what it was. When we realized someone was knocking on the back door, which leads to the scariest fucking hallway on earth, we freaked out. Then the knocking stopped and we returned to our movie. Next we heard someone open the front door of the building and stumble up the stairs. Then there was a loud bang against our door, followed by "How come you assholes don't answer your door??", followed by some more banging and then, suddenly, nothing. Then we heard keys jingle, his door open, and his door close.
Ten minutes later, there was more knocking at our back door. I thought to myself, "I'm going to kill that douche in the scary hallway," and I ran to the door and shouted, "WHAT??" He meekly replied, "Did you hear all that noise a minute ago?"
I said, "Yes. That was you, wasn't it?"
He said, "No, man, wasn't me, I thought it was you."
I couldn't believe my ears. I opened the door and had the weirdest conversation of my life. I can't even begin to understand what the hell was going on. All I remember clearly about the whole conversation was that I, very tall, was towering over the Hobbit. Right next to the Hobbit was the Scary Staircase, steep and descending into darkness, surrounded by drifting cobwebs and strange stains. Eventually, I decided not to feed him to the staircase monster. The next day he owned up to banging on our door, reaffirmed his alcoholism (as if I needed to be reminded), and stuck to himself the rest of the time.
Now, the Hobbit is gone. I enjoyed a few months of non-craziness, and today I come home and there are two young stoner type boys standing in front of my door, one fat and one lean. Their bloodshot little eyes peeped out from floppy stoner hair. His name is Squirrel. I can't wait until he goes crazy and I have a second chance to toss someone in the pit.
Slammy lived in this apartment before I. When he first moved in, he lived next to a real weirdo. I never actually saw the weirdo or had any personal experiences with him, but Slammy sure did. I'll leave it to him to explain. (Don't forget about the crazy sign he hung on his door--I can't remember what it said.)
When the first weirdo moved out, the second weirdo moved in. This bitch was a piece of work. She was middle-aged (or at least looked it) and very fat, which I don't say as a bad thing, just being descriptive. She had curly, short hair, and her eyes bugged out a little. I would describe her eyes as "goggling." The first time I met her was when she came knocking on Slammy's door and asked to buy one bowl's worth of weed for five dollars. Slam turned her down.
It was basically a downward spiral from there. She would come calling at random times, usually very late at night, and always looking for drugs or booze. She worked at the trashy gas station down the street. She was dating--hand to god--Shaq. He had to duck to walk through her apartment's seven foot tall doorway. Eventually, Slam told her not to come over anymore. She was saddened, and disappeared for a couple of weeks, and then she was back to her old ways.
One day, Slam, JVO and I were sitting around watching Survivor, which we take very seriously, and she knocked on the door. While Slam was trying to deter her from coming in, she saw that Survivor was on tv, and she barged into the room, screaming about how much she loved Survivor. After blathering loudly through most of the episode, Slam finally had to kick her out. He told her he never asked her to come over but she just kept intruding, and that he would like her to not come over any more. I remember him saying "You just don't get it" over and over. She gathered up her dignity, said, "Well. I understand." And then she left, holding her head high and offering very sarcastic apologies to us all. Then one day she disappeared for good, her dank one-room apartment emptied.
It was filled later by a man I will call The Hobbit. At first, the Hobbit seemed cool. He was always partying until late at night and listening to reasonably good music. Slam moved out of his apartment and I moved in. That was when we found out that the Hobbit didn't just like drinking, he was in fact an alcoholic. He told me this as we passed each other on the stairway, which in retrospect seems as good a place as any to tell someone you're an alcoholic.
One day my friend Denny, my boyfriend Aaron, and myself were sitting around on horror movie night when there was a knock at the back door, which we didn't hear for a long time, and then after we heard it, we had to figure out what it was. When we realized someone was knocking on the back door, which leads to the scariest fucking hallway on earth, we freaked out. Then the knocking stopped and we returned to our movie. Next we heard someone open the front door of the building and stumble up the stairs. Then there was a loud bang against our door, followed by "How come you assholes don't answer your door??", followed by some more banging and then, suddenly, nothing. Then we heard keys jingle, his door open, and his door close.
Ten minutes later, there was more knocking at our back door. I thought to myself, "I'm going to kill that douche in the scary hallway," and I ran to the door and shouted, "WHAT??" He meekly replied, "Did you hear all that noise a minute ago?"
I said, "Yes. That was you, wasn't it?"
He said, "No, man, wasn't me, I thought it was you."
I couldn't believe my ears. I opened the door and had the weirdest conversation of my life. I can't even begin to understand what the hell was going on. All I remember clearly about the whole conversation was that I, very tall, was towering over the Hobbit. Right next to the Hobbit was the Scary Staircase, steep and descending into darkness, surrounded by drifting cobwebs and strange stains. Eventually, I decided not to feed him to the staircase monster. The next day he owned up to banging on our door, reaffirmed his alcoholism (as if I needed to be reminded), and stuck to himself the rest of the time.
Now, the Hobbit is gone. I enjoyed a few months of non-craziness, and today I come home and there are two young stoner type boys standing in front of my door, one fat and one lean. Their bloodshot little eyes peeped out from floppy stoner hair. His name is Squirrel. I can't wait until he goes crazy and I have a second chance to toss someone in the pit.