matty
08-06-2005, 12:16 AM
Step One: How to recognize if you're in a dyke bar
1. There are many types of dyke bars. If you don't see the stereotypical crew-cut, flannel-sporting, shit-kicking bull dyke, you might be in what's known as a lipstick bar. There are three classes of lesbos:
a) the bull dyke. In a word, masculine. Watch out for leghair and gratuitously unnecessary armpit hair. Straight men usually fear the bull dyke hates men and is extremely heterophobic. In this assumption, straight men would be correct. Do not approach bull dyke in her own territory!! She will eat you.
b) the lipstick lesbian (also known as a "vixenous lesbian"). Likes to look pretty. Also, sickly, likes attention from straight boys. This excites them somehow, though it's very mean to the men. She may tease, but you'll never get anywhere, because the thought of you naked makes her want to hurl. Portia de Rossi is an excellent example of a vixenous lez.
c) the ingenue. Trapped between wanting to be cute and still wanting to be a lesbian (which, apparently, is a lot harder than it looks), the ingenue treads a fine line. Look out for boyish haircuts, trendy or at least cute clothes, and a true sexual ambiguity, until you get to know her and her obsession with Angelina Jolie is fully realized. They're cute and funny, but look out, because secretly they like to be fisted.
2. Signs you're in a dyke bar:
a) No men, or the only men you see are most likely gay.
b) If you hear any of the girls at any point use any of the following words, you're screwed: "Birkenstock," "Melissa Etheridge," "Ellen," "Strap-On." Also, phrases such as "I really like pussy" should be noted.
c) Larryhead's there. Ha Ha! (JK--sort of.)
d) The music is heavy with female singers or Rufus Wainwright. The lesbians LOVE Rufus. It's weird.
e) At least one girl fitting the ingenue description will be crying.
Step Two: I'm in a dyke bar! Help!
1. The first thing to remember is to stay calm. Panicking will only make things worse. Finish your beer and very casually make your way out.
2. Forget the girl. She was talking to you because she thinks you're gay or she wants attention (refer to 1b), or she's going to suck out your soul with her pagan spirit guardian.
3. Show no fear--they can sense it. They feed on it.
4. If a bull dyke tells you she's a "daddy," you'd better start praying. It's too late for a subtle escape at that point--they've set their sights on you. Just run. DO NOT ATTACK THE BULL DYKE, even in self-defense. You'll only anger her.
Step Three: So you've decided to hang out in a dyke bar.
1. Don't say I didn't warn you. You're not going to get anywhere, and it's going to sexually frustrate to the point that you'll be looking at porn for hours once you get home. If you make it home.
2. Lesbian social structures are bizarre and complex. It only makes sense to the lesbians. Don't try to understand--it's just their way. It's like a fucking Chinese puzzle. Do not get involved--you'll find yourself sitting on some bitch's couch at four in the morning, holding her while she cries about her ex-girlfriend and you both try to ignore your massive, painful hard-on. Or, someone will stab you. It's happened before.
3. Worst case scenario: The lez join hands and summon their goddess, who sucks your soul into her massive, steaming, Scary Vagina of Darkness, and your life force is used to fuel the satanic powers that all lesbians draw on.
4. Best case scenario: You get to watch them do it. HAHA! Just kidding. You don't have a chance in hell.
Basically, you wind up being surrounded by desirable but unattainable beaver.
1. There are many types of dyke bars. If you don't see the stereotypical crew-cut, flannel-sporting, shit-kicking bull dyke, you might be in what's known as a lipstick bar. There are three classes of lesbos:
a) the bull dyke. In a word, masculine. Watch out for leghair and gratuitously unnecessary armpit hair. Straight men usually fear the bull dyke hates men and is extremely heterophobic. In this assumption, straight men would be correct. Do not approach bull dyke in her own territory!! She will eat you.
b) the lipstick lesbian (also known as a "vixenous lesbian"). Likes to look pretty. Also, sickly, likes attention from straight boys. This excites them somehow, though it's very mean to the men. She may tease, but you'll never get anywhere, because the thought of you naked makes her want to hurl. Portia de Rossi is an excellent example of a vixenous lez.
c) the ingenue. Trapped between wanting to be cute and still wanting to be a lesbian (which, apparently, is a lot harder than it looks), the ingenue treads a fine line. Look out for boyish haircuts, trendy or at least cute clothes, and a true sexual ambiguity, until you get to know her and her obsession with Angelina Jolie is fully realized. They're cute and funny, but look out, because secretly they like to be fisted.
2. Signs you're in a dyke bar:
a) No men, or the only men you see are most likely gay.
b) If you hear any of the girls at any point use any of the following words, you're screwed: "Birkenstock," "Melissa Etheridge," "Ellen," "Strap-On." Also, phrases such as "I really like pussy" should be noted.
c) Larryhead's there. Ha Ha! (JK--sort of.)
d) The music is heavy with female singers or Rufus Wainwright. The lesbians LOVE Rufus. It's weird.
e) At least one girl fitting the ingenue description will be crying.
Step Two: I'm in a dyke bar! Help!
1. The first thing to remember is to stay calm. Panicking will only make things worse. Finish your beer and very casually make your way out.
2. Forget the girl. She was talking to you because she thinks you're gay or she wants attention (refer to 1b), or she's going to suck out your soul with her pagan spirit guardian.
3. Show no fear--they can sense it. They feed on it.
4. If a bull dyke tells you she's a "daddy," you'd better start praying. It's too late for a subtle escape at that point--they've set their sights on you. Just run. DO NOT ATTACK THE BULL DYKE, even in self-defense. You'll only anger her.
Step Three: So you've decided to hang out in a dyke bar.
1. Don't say I didn't warn you. You're not going to get anywhere, and it's going to sexually frustrate to the point that you'll be looking at porn for hours once you get home. If you make it home.
2. Lesbian social structures are bizarre and complex. It only makes sense to the lesbians. Don't try to understand--it's just their way. It's like a fucking Chinese puzzle. Do not get involved--you'll find yourself sitting on some bitch's couch at four in the morning, holding her while she cries about her ex-girlfriend and you both try to ignore your massive, painful hard-on. Or, someone will stab you. It's happened before.
3. Worst case scenario: The lez join hands and summon their goddess, who sucks your soul into her massive, steaming, Scary Vagina of Darkness, and your life force is used to fuel the satanic powers that all lesbians draw on.
4. Best case scenario: You get to watch them do it. HAHA! Just kidding. You don't have a chance in hell.
Basically, you wind up being surrounded by desirable but unattainable beaver.