The Incredible Adventures of Matty and Diamond

[matty]

One time, Diamond drank so much he passed out in his car, with it running, after the bars had closed. The car eventually ran out of gas. Then the battery died. Then at some point, Diamond unconsciously vommed on himself. Then he almost froze to death.

He called me from a payphone the next morning, but I was fucking someone and didn't answer. A little while later, he showed up at my house, his canary yellow sweater stained with regurgitated liquor.

"Why the goddamn hell don't you answer your phone?" He demanded an answer.

Then we got high. I don't remember what happened after that.

[Diamond Vision]

That's not exactly how it happened... but close enough...

I got vomit on my sweater because i was avoiding vomiting on James Goeke and I vomitted on this girl and it splashed/dribbled (spribbled?) onto my sweater. Then I went and died in my car. When I woke up I was pretty sure I was dead... only to be confirmed by my inability to turn on my truck.

Woo-hoo!

btw Matty- I died on the subway platform the other day... almost as exciting/disgusting (disegusticitng??)

Oh, anyway... after I got to Matt's place (a good couple miles from my car) we got high, I slept and attempted to regain my core body heat. Then I walked to Kelly's place and made her ferry me around and get my car working again.

as a post script- in the next few days I wore the puke stained sweater to school as one of many attempts to destroy the fashion barrier, whatever the fuck that is. Matt thought that one was overstepping the line... like the Prince-of-Yuletides-vs.-I-Heart-Boys-Shirt-Valentine's-Day-Explosion Outfit didn't.

[matty]

Yeah, that outfit was really something.

In retrospect, I retract my misgivings about the puke sweater. Bravo, sir.

Another story:
I was having a party, and Diamond was one of many people in attandance. Kelly flopped down on the couch next to him, causing him to spill wine all over himself, the couch, and the floor.

Diamond declared: "What the hell are you DOING?" Kelly, admonished, shrank into a little ball on the couch. Then Diamond stormed from the room, flinging open the door and not even bothering to close it behind him.

Good times.

[Diamond Vision]

... storming home to my Grandmother (the crazy one, not the dead one) and her sitter...

That night I learned that a whole bottle of Ibuprofin won't kill you but it will make a bunch of lumpy maroon puke all over your bedroom.

[matty]

I'd be interested to know how many buckets of maroon puke you've honked in your day.

Another story:
There was the time I had an...experience...with someone I shouldn't have, and I was trying to keep it secret. Diamond, of course, figured it out on his own. Then he watched with obvious delight as it all exploded in my face in the middle of a bar.

It wasn't funny then, but I think it's hilarious now. I wonder what I was wearing that night....

Also, wasn't that the same night that you died?

[matty]

Hey, check it! Handy for when you have a craving...

http://www.carlorossi.com/winelocate.asp

[Diamond Vision]

I found 1,136 purveyors of Carlo Rossi Red Sangria within a 10 mi. radius of my apt!

The night of your indiscrestion was the same night you hit me in the head with your jeep, wannit?

[Diamond Vision]

oh yes, and also i think I died the night it blew up in your face... but i don't recall the details of my death... your downfall was much too amusing!

[matty]

Yes. My goodness, we were on the downward spiral, weren't we?

I'll never forget the sound of my trunk's hood cracking against your downy-haired cranium. "Whack!"

I'll also never forget your righteous rage: "I said WAIT, FUCKER!!!!!!!"

Then you used what's-his-name's sock to stem the flow of blood, which was run across your face in a fabulously horrific way. Then we went up to my apartment and made froot loop pride necklaces.

:cheers: :pinkelep: :rasta: :munchies: :woohoo: :homerdro: :tempted:

[Diamond Vision]

That was the night I won the Rocky Settles Award for Hardcore Activity and Succeeding!

We had been drinking for 6 hours, slumming around town, signing account papers and buying pride rats
then you hit me in the head with your jeep-
WHACK!
I said WAIT! FUCKER!
massive blood loss, & freaking out the TJK
then successful drinking for another 6 hours.

Was that the same night we discovered that if you freeze the Rosi you can make extra concentrated wine-product goodness?

[Diamond Vision]

Really, for me, I felt like I was ramping up... the downward spiral was about a year before... what with the appearce of Sharon Shavis and, well, some kind of evil... you know who I mean

[007]

1136 purveyors doubles my measly 571 within 10 miles

Well, gotta go & wipe Soul Queen's chin, she is drooling...

[slam]

only 319 here. chicago must be more of a beer city.

the other days i went to the market days festival in boy's town. they had little boxes (like juice boxes) of white sangria. got nicely trashed on a couple of those. think i'll grab some for the next float trip :>

[matty]

You went to Boystown?? Fag!

[matty]

Whoa! I tried to type f-a-g and it came out nonononononono!

Is there some sort of protectiony thing?

Let's test it:

fag
wetback
nigger
kyke (sp?)
cunt
faggit

[slam]

larryhead is oppressing us! what a fat fucking faggot.

[slam]

hmmm. maybe it's just you that's censored, matty.

fag.

[larryhead]

That's weird... the hamsters that power the server must be fucking around again. :)